Fall is like Home

Fall never felt quite right in Newport News, and being here in Springfield at the very beginnings of another Fall season make me remember why. Newport News is too balmy with not enough trees. Trees are the heart of Fall and without an abundance of them, Summer simply withers away and the temperature drops into Winter sans the wonderous transition period of Autumn. End of story. But here in good 'ole Springfield, VA, we have lots of trees, even amidst the forest of houses, and they are the glory of the season when they start to turn...but I'm losing my focus here.

So, for those of you that don't know, I live in a townhouse and we don't have enough parking in my neighborhood so I have to park my car outside the neighborhood on the main road every night. At least I get outside everyday for about 10 minutes...thank you Timbers Association! Anyway. I was walking back to my house and looked up before crossing the street (I know, you're supposed to look left and right, not up, for traffic but I've never been a big fan of convention) and was surprised to see stars. It's Northern VA, I don't expect stars. I expect light pollution. Then I noticed the moon. A crescent with a bit of cloudy haze about her, the way she would look painted over a haunted mansion or something. And it was COLD. It felt familiar. As I walked up the hill into my neighborhood I noticed the smell of burning wood. Even with my stupid stuffy nose, I distinctly smelled and tasted what was so deliciously like a bonfire. I never saw any fire or smoke but my mind remembered so many other things...

• Fall retreats at Skycroft in highschool, the bonfire we always had and the marshmellow-tossing we eventually succumbed to by the end of the night.
• The beginning of another ridiculous year of highschool with its' ridiculous teachers and ridiculous homework assignments...but also it's promise of future freedom with another year behind us and graduation one year closer.
• The start-up of small group and Wednesday night dinners with Suzy. :) (Not to mention us procrastinating on our Bible-study questions. Yes, we have always been procrastinators.)
• Crushing on new boys (and some old ones).
• Sleepovers with Cari, Brittany and Suzy with rolls of cookie dough (where it all started!) and packages of pepperoni.
• Getting to wear my many scarves and hats and favorite beanies!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this season. Technically, it doesn't start until the 23rd of September. But really, who decides what day a season starts? Ridiculousness.

Flowers die and trees lose their leaves and yes, it does get colder. But the flowers are only as great as they are because they aren't around for every season. And the trees go out in such victorious shades of defeat! :) And for all you weenies who whine about the cold, there are such uber-fabulous clothes for colder weather! WHO DOESN'T LOVE SWEATERS AND HOODIES?! But again, I digress.

Fall is like Home to me. Aside from the aforementioned reasons for loving this time of the year, I moved to VA at the very beginning of an Autumn season, 7 years ago. And this place is home. I've shed more tears here than anywhere else in my entire life. I've been more deeply loved and cared for here than any of the other 8 places I've lived in my life. I found my best friends here. When I thought my best times were gone, God put me here in the Fall of 2000 and He grew roots for me...He started growing new roots in a season where my old life was starting to die. I love those roots. I love what He did. I love that I fell into this place, that Fall.

It is just a really good season. And I eagerly await another time of growth from the One who planted me here.

By and By

This is a hymn written by Charles Tindley in 1905 (a REAL golden oldie)! It might just be my favorite hymn ever. It encompasses so much of what my walk with the Lord has looked like these last 8 years: hardship and darkness and confusion...but with a profoundly confident hope that "we will understand it better by and by." I won't attempt to explain the beautiful message of these lyrics and how connected they are to my troubled, yet fully redeemed, history. I will simply let you read them and reflect on them yourself. I just wanted to share them with you and I deeply hope the Lord uses them to bless you as He's blessed me.


We are often tossed and driven
On the restless sea of time.
Somber skies and howling tempests
Oft succeed a bright sunshine.
In that land of perfect day,
When the mists have rolled away,
We will understand it better by and by.

Chorus
By and by when the morning comes.
When the saints of God are gathered home.
We'll tell the story how we've overcome,
For we'll understand it better by and by.

We are often destitute
Of the things that life demands;
Want of food and want of shelter,
Thirsty hills and barren lands.
We are trusting in the Lord
And according to God's Word
We will understand it better by and by.

Chorus
By and by when the morning comes.
When the saints of God are gathered home.
We'll tell the story how we've overcome,
For we'll understand it better by and by.

Trials dark on ev'ry hand
And we cannot understand
All the ways that God would lead us
To that blessed promised land.
But He guides us with His eye.
And we'll follow till we die
For we'll understand it better by and by.

Chorus
By and by when the morning comes.
When the saints of God are gathered home.
We'll tell the story how we've overcome,
For we'll understand it better by and by.

Oft our cherished plans have failed,
Disappointments have prevailed
And we've wandered in the darkness
Heavy-hearted and alone.
But we're trusting in the Lord
And according to His Word
We will understand it better by and by.

Chorus
By and by when the morning comes.
When the saints of God are gathered home.
We'll tell the story how we've overcome,
For we'll understand it better by and by.

Temptations, hidden snares
Often take us unawares
And our hearts are made to bleed
For some tho'tless word or deed.
And we wonder why the test
When we try to do our best
But we'll understand it better by and by.

Chorus
By and by when the morning comes.
When the saints of God are gathered home.
We'll tell the story how we've overcome,
For we'll understand it better by and by.

"Overflowing with thankfulness"

Paul encourages the Colossians to continue to live in Christ and to be "overflowing with thankfulness". (Col. 2:7) Taking even a few minutes to physically write down what I am thankful for enables my brain to stop concentrating on how frustrated I am with my circumstances and focus instead on what actually makes me happy from time to time. It's a really good tool for me to use to step outside the swirling mass of anger I walk around in day in and day out. So, here's a random taste of thankfulness.

I am thankful for...

• No more homework!!!
• My paycheck
• Home/Mom cooked meals almost every night
• SUZY!
• Dusk and my deck that is full of umbrellas
• Desert yogurt that is good for you
• My car and it's fabulous air conditioning
• People that love the Gospel
• Kara's temper tantrum's on my bed
• Multi-colored rose bouquets
• "Malcom in the Middle"
• Bible verses that translate directly into personal prayers
• Pearl necklaces
• Great Falls (It's my newest favorite place.)
• Ann Taylor LOFT discounts :)
• People from other cultures/countries

It's a short and rather strange list but it's a practice of putting God in the center of my thoughts and slowly moving out the mountain of garbage that normally resides there. And may this verse become my own during this season of bitter frustration:

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness!" Colossians 2:6-7

Amen and amen, my friends!

Unbearably Dark

You know, I fall apart frequently. Whenever tears do come, they tend to come in a nice long steady flow. I become overwhelmed with the absolute pointlessness of every task I do from dawn till dusk and despair usually walks in to stay the night with me.

Depression is a wicked, life-sucking disease that too many people believe does not really exist. I would give every last thing I own to know what it FEELS LIKE to just be a genuinely happy person day in and day out. As hard as it might be to believe, I have no earthly idea what that feels like. I just don't know. That is about as familiar to me as fillet mignon is to a homeless man; he knows it exists but he sure as hell doesn't know what it tastes like and probably never will.

My life gets unbearably dark. And you are alone in the dark regardless of who might be there with you. Do I pity myself? Yeah, sometimes I really do. I am absolutely aware of how self-centered that is and I have to remind myself all the time to fight the self-pity. Everybody has their own pain. But sometimes I think some types of pain are easier to share than others. (Exhibit A of previously mentioned self-pity.)

What the Bible has to say about depression is almost entirely written about in the Psalms, which are of course prayers to God...(hint hint, Dani)...

"Lord, You will give me rest from my sorrow, and from my fear, and from the hard bondage in which I was made to serve."

You will give me rest...my heart is always crying out in terror, "but when will You give me rest and how long will it last?!" By the way, He doesn't answer this question. But then, I suppose He desires for me to be consumed with the hope and confidence of the coming rest and not with the conditions of the coming rest. What can I say? I really suck at being spiritually mature.

"O Lord, You have brought up my soul from the grave. You have kept me alive that I should not go down to the pit."

OK then.

Life is hard. It is just really hard. Jesus preached troubles and hardship. It's not that I'm surprised...I'm exhausted.

But, exhausted or not, Sarah knows where real Life and Rest are...
SadahChugo: look to Jesus, dani
SadahChugo: Jesus Jesus!!