I never thought I would be a contractor. The non-profit sector was my candy shop. It was there I desperately sought to find my golden ticket out of unemployment. I was going to help people! Get in their messy lives and love them out of the muck! I had high hopes. I now recognize these "high hopes" as delusions of grandeur. I mean honestly, I am 23 and more screwed up than people give me credit for; I need to be loved out of my own muck!
I am now a government contractor. I interact with my computer screen and 3 other people in my division. I never get to speak to or interact with, in any way, the people that I'm "helping". Really though, it is more than OK and I know that God has arranged everything about my job for my good.
See, it was like this: I was supposed to be a Case Manager upstairs on the 6th floor but the Claims Division on the 4th floor needed some assistance in a big bad way so my bosses decided to relocate me to Claims (before I even started working in Case Management). God's faithfulness can be seen in this because Case Management would have put me in shift work (again) which I do not cope with real well AND I would have had a Sun-Thurs or Tues-Sat schedule. Boo, friends, boo. Now I work 8 am-4:30 pm, Monday-Friday like any normal Joe Shmoe...and I really appreciate the life that Joe Shmoe lives!
And unforeseen by me, as most things are, I would have undoubtedly been so emotionally and spiritually involved in my job (which I thought I wanted) that I would not have had the time/space/energy to spend time with the Lord processing Brazil and the many amazing things He is birthing from that trip. He knew what He was doing when He put me in the Claims Division. For the first time in too long I feel like I can really see Him moving things in my life for my benefit. Thank You, Jesus, for eyes to see! He is really taking care of me.
So, I am a Claims Examiner in Casualty and Mortuary Affairs at the Human Resource Command of the Army. Now I realize that probably sounds really depressing. It isn't. Haha. Like I said, I have no contact with the families so I'm really just a paper pusher. I examine the funeral claims that have been submitted to make sure all the paperwork is in order and that families are not getting ripped off by funeral homes (or by the government for that matter). The one satisfaction I get is that families are truly benefiting from me examining and processing these claims because it means they do not have to pay for the funeral expenses of burying their loved ones. That makes me happy enough to do my job. But that is all of what I do: I examine, process and file. I have even been given the Master Excel spreadsheet to maintain. Thrilling stuff, I know...they must really trust me. ;) Oooo, but I do have like 3 badges and 500 passwords and 10 different e-mail addresses. Working for the government is fun fun fun!
All kidding aside, I am thanking God for the provision of this job and for all the ways He has orchestrated things to benefit me. I think there are so many things in my life right now that God wants me to be emotionally free to engage in and process and this job is His way of making sure I DO engage. I am so thankful that He arranges for my spiritual success as well as my financial and professional success. I am thankful that I can no longer deny His faithfulness.
He is being so good to me and it freaks me out a little bit...but that, my friends, is for another post...
Monday, September 22, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Wake Up O' Sleeper...
I'm back.
Back to writing my blog...back in the country from my mission's trip to Brazil...but most importantly, getting back to my heart which I left somewhere in 2007...
Brazil was one of the best experiences of my life but not for the reasons I thought going into it. God used and continues to use the entire experience to reawaken my heart, my soul, the truest part of myself. I left Brazil with a lot of heartache and returned to the US not knowing where it was all coming from. Granted, I missed the people I had met in Assis and was torn at leaving such a warm and loving community but there was something inexplicable in how much I was hurting as I came home... Wednesday night after we got back I broke down in my best friend's car and realized with shock that GOD is the answer behind the riddle; He has been tearing at my heart since before I even left Brazil and has not let up. In one gloriously sorrowful moment on Wednesday night I knew that God was finished with what I have been doing to shroud my soul in apathy. He has had enough. No more hiding. He wants my heart back.
I don't know how to explain this. Looking for a job has been my primary (and sometimes only) focus for over an entire year. Now that I've started a new job it's like God is lifting the blinders from my eyes: I have been using my job search as a hiding place for my heart. And now that the search is over there's nothing left to hide behind. I have been so focused on getting this one thing (a job) that I did not have the time or the energy to think about anything else...like the fact that I do still want to get married and find companionship in a man; or the fact that I thrive when I get to walk alongside people in their most painful and confusing moments. Finding a job took priority over living from my heart. No, it took the place of living from my heart. But a week before I left for Brazil God provided me with a job. And I think I see why. He wanted my heart to be ousted from it's hiding place, vulnerably carefree so that (as Bindu says) I would have nowhere to run. No job search to hide behind, no situational worries to numb myself with.
I was so very satisfied at the end of each day I spent in Brazil and I literally started to feel like my heart was thawing out; I was overwhelmed with how much I loved and enjoyed my teammates when, by all accounts, I should have been sick of being with them! I was happily exhausted at bedtime and was without complaint (by the grace of God) when I had to get up after too few hours of sleep. I wore no make-up during the day, got filthy with paint and sod and sweat and wore the same shorts and t-shirts for 6 days. And I was so unbelievably content in all of it.
These thoughts are so disjointed but my point is this: God provided me with a job before I left for Brazil in order to show me that I had willingly (and foolishly) put my heart to sleep and hidden it so that nothing terrible could happen to it. I would never have to ask God to fix anything if nothing was ever broken; there would be no need for healing if I wrapped myself up so tight that nobody could get close enough to wound me; disappointment would not enter if hope was always shut out. However, God used everything and everyone in Brazil to show me that putting my heart to sleep and hiding it guaranteed nothing wonderful could happen to it either. And it was on Wednesday night that this beautiful and frightening revelation occurred to me, sending me into a tailspin of shock. Me, the girl who loved loved loved The Allure of Hope had not only forgotten how to hope but had chosen apathy and deadness instead.
So friends, that is where I stand. I feel the following Scripture in a very real way.
Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence. Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth."
Hosea 6:1-3
I anticipate a blog on these verses very soon. Thank you for caring enough to read these disjointed thoughts and letting me process "outloud". Praise God for the injuries He's giving me, for the walls He's tearing down!
I'll be back. :)
Back to writing my blog...back in the country from my mission's trip to Brazil...but most importantly, getting back to my heart which I left somewhere in 2007...
Brazil was one of the best experiences of my life but not for the reasons I thought going into it. God used and continues to use the entire experience to reawaken my heart, my soul, the truest part of myself. I left Brazil with a lot of heartache and returned to the US not knowing where it was all coming from. Granted, I missed the people I had met in Assis and was torn at leaving such a warm and loving community but there was something inexplicable in how much I was hurting as I came home... Wednesday night after we got back I broke down in my best friend's car and realized with shock that GOD is the answer behind the riddle; He has been tearing at my heart since before I even left Brazil and has not let up. In one gloriously sorrowful moment on Wednesday night I knew that God was finished with what I have been doing to shroud my soul in apathy. He has had enough. No more hiding. He wants my heart back.
I don't know how to explain this. Looking for a job has been my primary (and sometimes only) focus for over an entire year. Now that I've started a new job it's like God is lifting the blinders from my eyes: I have been using my job search as a hiding place for my heart. And now that the search is over there's nothing left to hide behind. I have been so focused on getting this one thing (a job) that I did not have the time or the energy to think about anything else...like the fact that I do still want to get married and find companionship in a man; or the fact that I thrive when I get to walk alongside people in their most painful and confusing moments. Finding a job took priority over living from my heart. No, it took the place of living from my heart. But a week before I left for Brazil God provided me with a job. And I think I see why. He wanted my heart to be ousted from it's hiding place, vulnerably carefree so that (as Bindu says) I would have nowhere to run. No job search to hide behind, no situational worries to numb myself with.
I was so very satisfied at the end of each day I spent in Brazil and I literally started to feel like my heart was thawing out; I was overwhelmed with how much I loved and enjoyed my teammates when, by all accounts, I should have been sick of being with them! I was happily exhausted at bedtime and was without complaint (by the grace of God) when I had to get up after too few hours of sleep. I wore no make-up during the day, got filthy with paint and sod and sweat and wore the same shorts and t-shirts for 6 days. And I was so unbelievably content in all of it.
These thoughts are so disjointed but my point is this: God provided me with a job before I left for Brazil in order to show me that I had willingly (and foolishly) put my heart to sleep and hidden it so that nothing terrible could happen to it. I would never have to ask God to fix anything if nothing was ever broken; there would be no need for healing if I wrapped myself up so tight that nobody could get close enough to wound me; disappointment would not enter if hope was always shut out. However, God used everything and everyone in Brazil to show me that putting my heart to sleep and hiding it guaranteed nothing wonderful could happen to it either. And it was on Wednesday night that this beautiful and frightening revelation occurred to me, sending me into a tailspin of shock. Me, the girl who loved loved loved The Allure of Hope had not only forgotten how to hope but had chosen apathy and deadness instead.
So friends, that is where I stand. I feel the following Scripture in a very real way.
Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence. Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth."
Hosea 6:1-3
I anticipate a blog on these verses very soon. Thank you for caring enough to read these disjointed thoughts and letting me process "outloud". Praise God for the injuries He's giving me, for the walls He's tearing down!
I'll be back. :)
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