The Motions

This year is going to be very interesting. Matthew West explains my feelings very well in his song, The Motions.

This might hurt
It’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change
I don’t care
If I break
At least I’ll be feeling something
‘Cause just ok
Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

No regrets
Not this time
I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I’m finally feeling something

Take me all the way
Take me all the way
Take me all the way

A Grateful Thought For the Snow-Weary Among Us

I am one of the few in the greater Washington DC area that is not tired of the snow. I have watched so much blizzard storm coverage I could probably still tell you the total snow accumulations for Snowpocalypse, Snowmageddon and Snowverkill and the names of all the news people at Channel 4 News (...ok maybe not, but I did watch an extraordinary amount of blizzard storm coverage). Point being, I am well aware that this force of nature has been wreaking havoc for millions of people, myself included. But I love the stuff of fluff. I just do.

The thing about snow is that the whole world becomes quiet. It truly has a blanket effect in that it muffles every sound; even crunching boots are muted by the soft padding of layered snowflakes. Friends, snow is one of those magical events in an otherwise bleak season of nature. I believe it is a gift for our eyes and our spirits, given by God to enchant us as our hearts grow weary of the cold gray clouds and long shadows of Winter. Snow quiets my heart and moves me to smile at Him in worship. I am so deeply touched at this gift from Love as I watch it meet the earth in silence, offering up my tearful wonder as praise. God often uses nature to woo my heart, reminding me that my hard outer shell protects a tender core. Two blizzards to romance my heart... (I can hear you snow-haters out there wishing God would pursue my heart some other way, hahaha.)

Before you declare that you never want to see another snowflake, hear this astonishing promise and be amazed:

"Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool."

Why? Why would He do that? What reason does He have to promise us untainted souls and new hearts? Why does He send us the intricate artistry of a single snowflake, millions at a time?

Because He loves us.

Oh, how He loves us.

So again for the snow weary among us, a grateful thought:

"Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow."

'Tis the Season

December 2, 2009: Last night was our monthly small group dinner night and to celebrate the season, also our Secret Santa gift exchange.

This is my small group. These women, my sisters my friends. They love each other and seek to walk with God. I know that I could call each and every one of them in the middle of the night or the middle of the day with confidence that their love for me and for God would trump whatever inconvenience I was presenting them with. They are wonderful and goofy, deep thinking and compassionate, full of stories and always ready to laugh. I love them.

Someone once said, "Those who live in the Lord never see each other for the last time." I am so grateful this is true, especially as the time comes for our small group to split. It is bittersweet, as we split, for it means that all 9 of us will not see each other every week as we have done for close to 2 years. Yet it does mean that there will be growth, there will be new sister-friends brought into the fold and given a chance to experience the love and grace of Christ through relationship with one another. And that is something to glory in, even alongside the slight heartache of saying goodbye to our close-knit group. But let it be said again, "Those who live (and love) in the Lord never see each other for the last time." :) Whether it be years or a lifetime from now, all those that call on Jesus' mercy and loving sacrifice will meet again in His presence. Praise God that split though we must, it is only for a season.



December 3, 2009: Today was a sick day.



Very little to say regarding today, aside from the obvious... Except perhaps that taking pictures of one's computer screen does not make for a beautiful photo. Why does the camera pick up that funny wavy pattern on the screen when our eyes don't?


Then again, who cares? Goodnight, friends. :)

Project 365

Yes, I know. It has been many many moons. I truly am the worst blogger ever. Which is why it is laughable really, what I am about to tell you. I am going to be participating in a photo-a-day project called "Project 365". You can go to this link to learn all about it, but the general gist is simply to take one picture per day for an entire 365 days and document the daily occurrences of your life. I figure if nothing else, this will get me back into the habit of taking pictures since I basically stopped taking them once I graduated from college in May of 2007. In fact, I spent a good 45 minutes last night looking all over creation for my camera, batteries and charger. But anyway, here we are on December 1, 2009... at the beginning.

This here is Lamar (spelled in real life with a backwards "R"). He is our office "bidget". Before you get offended, we call him that based on his origins. We couldn't keep calling him "bag midget", so we shortened it. And contrary to what you might be thinking right now, I do not work in a daycare, preschool or any other kind of school for that matter. I do in fact work in an office full of adults (though at this point I use the word adult loosely). My wonderfully juvenile co-workers created Lamar for reasons unknown to me and he has taken on quite a life of his own in the last 2 weeks. He has clothes, shirts at least, and even has a tie (because really, we cannot have bidgets hanging around without proper office attire). I arrived at work last week to find Lamar in my chair with a word bubble taped to his mouth asking if I would date him. Unfortunately I had to dash his hopes and politely, but firmly, decline. He is also supposed to be accompanying all of us to a house-warming party this Saturday evening in his ugliest Christmas sweater. And in case you cannot quite see it in the picture, he is currently wearing an "Advent shirt" for the month of December (the 1st is already marked off).

So, there is Lamar. For those of you that understand how exhaustingly sad my job can be, you now have a taste of the insane things that keep my co-workers and I sane. ;)

And I really cannot think of a better way, or a better picture, to begin this daily photo project documenting the crazy of my life. Welcome!

My 9-5

July 6, 2009 was my first day as a Case Manager in the Department of the Army's Long Term Family Case Management Branch. Those first couple of weeks scared the dickens out of me. I panicked as I began training due to the insurmountable level of knowledge I thought I was going to be expected to attain in the span of only a few weeks. However, I overreacted. (Strange, because that is so uncharacteristic of me...) Training ended and as I took my first couple of phone calls, my panic subsided and I quickly fell into step with the rest of the office. (Thank You, God.)

So, this is the official company line: "Serving Families of fallen Soldiers by providing personalized assistance and guidance in the months and years ahead." A vague and open-ended mission statement. For the Army as a whole, this seems to translate into: "Call ALTFCM when you don't know the answer to the family's question. They'll take care of it." Yes, we will. Now really my job is to provide families with support regarding the following areas:

-Benefit concerns

-Report requests

-Service records

-Support programs

-General questions

Oh, general questions. How I fear you. There is no such thing as a general question. The general question area covers something new with every phone call. Finding a missing truck. Requesting patches from a uniform. Help getting a Gold Star License plate. The rationalization behind a drug prescription. Accusations of murder despite the evidence of suicide. Help with property tax relief. A request for housework assistance. Applying for US citizenship.

My 9-5 is never boring.

And then there are those Survivors that have taken up residence in my soul. The ones that suck the air out of my lungs when their voices shake with grief as they tell me they'd give every penny back if they could just see him again, hold their baby and see his face one more time. The anguish of a mother's broken words, "I miss my child." Or when I find out that the children of these fallen Soldiers have panic attacks and hide in their rooms when anyone in uniform shows up at their house and rings the doorbell, as they flashback to the notification.

My 9-5 breaks my heart.

But thankfully, I work with hilarious people and they balance out the grief transfer of our Survivors. Like SSG Allen, my team lead, who does a SPOT ON impersonation of Forrest Gump. Daily. Or Lisa who does her "monkey dance" which is the most ridiculous looking thing I have ever seen happen in an office. And SSG Cuevas who walks through the office yelling "I'd rather DIE than be a vampire!" because he's obsessed with True Blood. And of course, Katie, who periodically threatens to "wall" me since I showed her the article detailing CIA interrogation techniques. Not to mention the ridiculous inquiries we receive, like the lady who wants the Army to provide her with a pro bono lawyer so she can sue...THE ARMY. Good luck, lady.

My 9-5 cracks me up.

Moral of the story? I really like my job. I feel blessed to have been placed in a position that engages my heart and allows me to grow both professionally and personally. And I get to serve people that could have been me. Whether or not I can explicitly say, THANK YOU for being an Army wife, husband, mother, father, daughter, son... I have the honor of walking with them for a small distance. And what an honor it is.

Exactly 7 Months Ago

God did not do what I expected Him to do.  Isn't that always the way it goes?  We returned from Brazil exactly 7 months ago to the day.  We were a somewhat acquainted 15 person team when we left the U.S. but we came back a 15 person family.  God used our love for one another to speak volumes to a people that often could not understand what we were trying to say with words.  Us not speaking Portuguese and them not speaking English made the day-to-day operation of renovations interesting.  When we wanted a paint-brush, buckets, hammers, cleaning products and the like, our efforts to cross the language barrier often became frustratingly funny.  But when we wanted to communicate how grateful we were for their incredible hospitality, when we wanted them to know that there was no place we'd rather be than sweating in the middle of a barren field covered in dirt from laying pounds upon pounds of sod...there was no problem communicating because we were speaking in one heart language: the love of Jesus Christ.

May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. 

Romans 15:5-6

This communication was expressed in a myriad of ways.  We expressed and received His love through hugs and smiles at every turn.  The ladies were greeted each morning with a kiss on each cheek (my personal favorite!). There was laughter on every side as the kids spoke louder and louder Portuguese, mistakenly thinking this would somehow help us understand what they were saying.  (SO hilarious to be on the other side of that loud conversation).  And of course, the many tears we shed as we broke our own hearts in half so that we could leave a piece of ourselves with our Brazilian family in Assis.

 

I really miss them.  I miss Andreia and Ana and Sarita.  Their sparkling smiles and easy laughter.  They loved freely and were making plans to have us stay with them upon our return before we'd even gone home!  We were adopted into their family quicker than we could say, "Obrigada".  These Brazilians showed me how all-encompassing the blood of Jesus is; truth be told, they loved us long before we arrived.  They welcomed us with overwhelming affection and excitement before we even had a chance to try and "prove" we were worth it.  As much as we had planned to be Jesus to them, they absolutely beat us to it.  They were Jesus to us, straight off the bus.  We arrived at our hotel and literally stepped off the bus into dozens of open arms wanting to pull us in, kisses on each cheek, curious and joyful smiles and hands bearing gifts FOR US.  The girls from Open Arms got each of the ladies on our team a bracelet bearing the Brazilian flag and let me tell you, I have not been so attached to a bracelet since I was about 14 years old.  I absolutely anticipate having that bracelet until the day I die.

 

Brazil was my catalyst.  I jumped into a mission trip I had not felt any particular calling towards and God worked it.  I mean, He really worked it.  The experience itself was incredible and will stay with me forever, but He's guided every step for my good since I jumped in.

 

I miss Brazil.  I miss our team living on the same hotel hallway.  I miss having a red dirt stain on everything I own.  I miss the morning kisses on each cheek.  I miss the wobbly bus...especially the bathroom of terror.  But mostly I miss that incredible feeling - knowing that with every sunrise we were going to be spending the day tangibly bettering a child's existence.  That week in Assis was full of those moments; those moments that make you breathe deeper and sleep harder because everyday has been exhaustingly purposeful.  

I thank God for every one of those moments.  I thank God for my Brazilian brothers and sisters.  I thank God for my wonderful life-giving team.  And I thank Him for walking so closely with me since then. 

Exactly 7 months ago, I returned from Brazil.  Exactly 7 months ago, everything changed.  

From the Father of Lights

Feeling the beginnings of discontent, it's time for another Thank-You list...

-Morning Thunder Tea and the running comic commentary that goes with it.
-The way the moonlight makes my room glow at nighttime.
-The fabulous White Zinfandel Jess discovered that is now a favorite in our house. :)
-SUNSHINE
-The way joy shows up on my face so that other people notice it.
-My co-workers...they make my job and I wouldn't make it without them.
-The compliment, "Your eyes smile!"
-Our white sheer curtains in our living room.
-Waking up to my Ipod
-My family's sweet dog, Pepper Porch! (And the way she wags her whole body instead of just her tail.)
-Finding something new in Scripture
-How KP ALSO wishes she could go to Hogwarts instead of a muggle school.
-Mental and emotional freedom
-A small group full of women that love God and each other.
-Alias!
-Zumba class even though I've only been once.
-Dreaming about having my own horse ranch for the weary and broken-hearted.
-My old car. It functions and I can't even tell if people ding it up.


Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights...
James 1:17