Until a few days ago I believed that my walk with the Lord was always going to be in the dark. That I would always suffer because of my depression and that walking without Light and Joy was simply the path that God had for me. How could I have believed this? I was sick and had been sick for so long that I didn't know what "normal" felt like anymore. I could not see past the barely visible hope of getting out of school, much less the hope that maybe someday I wouldn't be depressed. It was too much.
So at some point in my asking God to take it away, I stopped believing He would. I knew that He could but I had no more faith that He would ever lift me out of the deep black hole I lived in. I had faith that He was still with me, faith that He was all powerful and had complete control but I had no faith in His goodness. God was not good to me, or so my heart believed. The sorrow that lie has brought is so far reaching that only now am I starting to see the ways it has killed hope and joy in my life. It wasn't just that I despaired of life in general; I despaired of my life with Jesus because He was not good in my eyes and I thought that a lifetime of depression was all that I had to look forward to. Death, whenever it came, was going to be welcome relief from living! I hate sounding so morbidly morose but I am telling you from the bottom of my heart, this is where I lived. Only by the daily saving Grace of God did I live from one day to the next without laying down and giving up...because I was living out of this oppressive and hopeless lie that I bought as the hard and ugly truth: that at best, living was simply a wearisome and difficult journey interspersed with possible blessings like good jobs, marriage and maybe children. But that was it. I had no idea what the hell Jesus was talking about when he spoke of "life abundant" and "joy everlasting". I mean He's Jesus so He must be telling the truth, but it wasn't any truth I had ever experienced.
And then on the heels of college graduation, my depression was lifted. He finally took it away. The sun literally came out on the terrain of my mind. I felt like I was walking out of prison, not that I have ever actually done that so I don't know how it feels, but I imagine it's awesome. I also imagine it is a somewhat frightening gift of freedom... However, I can see now that there was a problem with this newly discovered liberation; I was only half liberated. The sun had come out to break the darkness of my mind but my heart was still waiting in the big black hole. That part of me was not as willing to be lifted out of the depths because in being lifted up I would only have farther to fall and it would hurt so much more if I did. And that was not an appealing thought. In fact it was, and still remains, quite terrifying. It is so much easier to live at rock bottom because at least when you are there you know you can go no further. The bottom is the bottom. There's nowhere to go but up, it's true. But when you're up you can go either way: up some more or way way down. I am so scared of going down. If we're gonna be honest then here it is: I have been to the bottom and I don't ever, EVER want to go back. This seems to be the place where my heart just decided to stop moving and sit down and wait. In a big heaping pile of FEAR. I don't pick good spots to idle away my time, what can I say?
So, here I am. And God's here, too. Holding out His hand and asking for an awful lot of trust. And I cannot help but ask, "Where is the big black pothole on this bright and shiny road You've brought me to? I know it's up there!" Like really, please do not set me up to HOPE for all the goodness that Scripture promises if my future holds that big black hole... But He's not going to tell me if that hole is up there. I know He won't. Because if He did then I absolutely would not move from my big heaping pile of FEAR. My only option is to give Him my hand, let Him pull me up and choose to keep walking.
" For You have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life."
Psalm 56:13
And you know, the last 2 months of my life have been jam-packed with the light of Life. It's semi-humorous to think of how many years went by where I felt so lost and in just a few months I feel like I have found my place (in more ways than you could possibly imagine). God has provided me with a really solid job in an area I had given up in, sent me to Brazil with 14 amazing and life-giving people and has opened doors for me to move into a house with 3 fantastic God-loving women. My life has exploded with goodness!
My walk is now in the Light. I am not used to it and it is completely unfamiliar territory. I struggle everyday to NOT wait for the other shoe to drop. I am asking God so many questions. I am realizing, almost daily, another lie that I have believed and used as ammunition against my God and Savior. I go back and forth between hoping and then retreating into suspicion...
And I am so happy. In all of it I am finding so much joy, so much Truth. I am unabashedly smiley around the people I love, am laughing it up as often as I can and have managed to regain my "awesome hugger" status, hahaha. Life feels...like Life.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given me new birth into a living hope...
1 Peter 1:3
Amen and amen!
