"This will be my story..."

The LORD is faithful to all His promises 
       and loving toward all He has made. 

The LORD upholds all those who fall 
       and lifts up all who are bowed down.

The eyes of all look to You, 
       and You give them their food at the proper time.

You open Your hand 
       and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

The LORD is righteous in all His ways 
       and loving toward all He has made.

The LORD is near to all who call on Him, 
       to all who call on Him in truth.

He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him; 
       He hears their cry and saves them.

The LORD watches over all who love Him...

Psalm 145:13-20

It is excruciatingly tense and chaotic inside of me, the constant pull to depend on myself for happiness and the Spirit's ever-present whisper that He is enough and He is good...  See friends, I so badly want to trust God.  I long to know His good heart and trust that His desire is to bless me.  But I am scared to open myself to His promises for fear that they will not hold the things I want in life.  The Lord promises: 

"Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

..I'm afraid it's not true.  I'm scared to let myself find out.  I have not lived the abundant life Jesus spoke of.  It has been beyond my grasp my entire Christian life because of my depression.  Now I have the mental and emotional capacity to choose His abundant Life and I am kind of clueless on how to do so.  But I want to.  I really really want to know and love Him more than everything and everyone else.  

I want Psalm 145 to be my story; my story of confident trust that my God is "faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made."  Amen.

Feels Like Real Life

Until a few days ago I believed that my walk with the Lord was always going to be in the dark. That I would always suffer because of my depression and that walking without Light and Joy was simply the path that God had for me. How could I have believed this? I was sick and had been sick for so long that I didn't know what "normal" felt like anymore. I could not see past the barely visible hope of getting out of school, much less the hope that maybe someday I wouldn't be depressed. It was too much.

So at some point in my asking God to take it away, I stopped believing He would. I knew that He could but I had no more faith that He would ever lift me out of the deep black hole I lived in. I had faith that He was still with me, faith that He was all powerful and had complete control but I had no faith in His goodness. God was not good to me, or so my heart believed. The sorrow that lie has brought is so far reaching that only now am I starting to see the ways it has killed hope and joy in my life. It wasn't just that I despaired of life in general; I despaired of my life with Jesus because He was not good in my eyes and I thought that a lifetime of depression was all that I had to look forward to. Death, whenever it came, was going to be welcome relief from living! I hate sounding so morbidly morose but I am telling you from the bottom of my heart, this is where I lived. Only by the daily saving Grace of God did I live from one day to the next without laying down and giving up...because I was living out of this oppressive and hopeless lie that I bought as the hard and ugly truth: that at best, living was simply a wearisome and difficult journey interspersed with possible blessings like good jobs, marriage and maybe children. But that was it. I had no idea what the hell Jesus was talking about when he spoke of "life abundant" and "joy everlasting". I mean He's Jesus so He must be telling the truth, but it wasn't any truth I had ever experienced.

And then on the heels of college graduation, my depression was lifted. He finally took it away. The sun literally came out on the terrain of my mind. I felt like I was walking out of prison, not that I have ever actually done that so I don't know how it feels, but I imagine it's awesome. I also imagine it is a somewhat frightening gift of freedom... However, I can see now that there was a problem with this newly discovered liberation; I was only half liberated. The sun had come out to break the darkness of my mind but my heart was still waiting in the big black hole. That part of me was not as willing to be lifted out of the depths because in being lifted up I would only have farther to fall and it would hurt so much more if I did. And that was not an appealing thought. In fact it was, and still remains, quite terrifying. It is so much easier to live at rock bottom because at least when you are there you know you can go no further. The bottom is the bottom. There's nowhere to go but up, it's true. But when you're up you can go either way: up some more or way way down. I am so scared of going down. If we're gonna be honest then here it is: I have been to the bottom and I don't ever, EVER want to go back. This seems to be the place where my heart just decided to stop moving and sit down and wait. In a big heaping pile of FEAR. I don't pick good spots to idle away my time, what can I say?

So, here I am. And God's here, too. Holding out His hand and asking for an awful lot of trust. And I cannot help but ask, "Where is the big black pothole on this bright and shiny road You've brought me to? I know it's up there!" Like really, please do not set me up to HOPE for all the goodness that Scripture promises if my future holds that big black hole... But He's not going to tell me if that hole is up there. I know He won't. Because if He did then I absolutely would not move from my big heaping pile of FEAR. My only option is to give Him my hand, let Him pull me up and choose to keep walking.

" For You have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life."
Psalm 56:13

And you know, the last 2 months of my life have been jam-packed with the light of Life. It's semi-humorous to think of how many years went by where I felt so lost and in just a few months I feel like I have found my place (in more ways than you could possibly imagine). God has provided me with a really solid job in an area I had given up in, sent me to Brazil with 14 amazing and life-giving people and has opened doors for me to move into a house with 3 fantastic God-loving women. My life has exploded with goodness!

My walk is now in the Light. I am not used to it and it is completely unfamiliar territory. I struggle everyday to NOT wait for the other shoe to drop. I am asking God so many questions. I am realizing, almost daily, another lie that I have believed and used as ammunition against my God and Savior. I go back and forth between hoping and then retreating into suspicion...

And I am so happy. In all of it I am finding so much joy, so much Truth. I am unabashedly smiley around the people I love, am laughing it up as often as I can and have managed to regain my "awesome hugger" status, hahaha. Life feels...like Life.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given me new birth into a living hope...
1 Peter 1:3

Amen and amen!

For My Good

I never thought I would be a contractor. The non-profit sector was my candy shop. It was there I desperately sought to find my golden ticket out of unemployment. I was going to help people! Get in their messy lives and love them out of the muck! I had high hopes. I now recognize these "high hopes" as delusions of grandeur. I mean honestly, I am 23 and more screwed up than people give me credit for; I need to be loved out of my own muck!

I am now a government contractor. I interact with my computer screen and 3 other people in my division. I never get to speak to or interact with, in any way, the people that I'm "helping". Really though, it is more than OK and I know that God has arranged everything about my job for my good.

See, it was like this: I was supposed to be a Case Manager upstairs on the 6th floor but the Claims Division on the 4th floor needed some assistance in a big bad way so my bosses decided to relocate me to Claims (before I even started working in Case Management). God's faithfulness can be seen in this because Case Management would have put me in shift work (again) which I do not cope with real well AND I would have had a Sun-Thurs or Tues-Sat schedule. Boo, friends, boo. Now I work 8 am-4:30 pm, Monday-Friday like any normal Joe Shmoe...and I really appreciate the life that Joe Shmoe lives!

And unforeseen by me, as most things are, I would have undoubtedly been so emotionally and spiritually involved in my job (which I thought I wanted) that I would not have had the time/space/energy to spend time with the Lord processing Brazil and the many amazing things He is birthing from that trip. He knew what He was doing when He put me in the Claims Division. For the first time in too long I feel like I can really see Him moving things in my life for my benefit. Thank You, Jesus, for eyes to see! He is really taking care of me.

So, I am a Claims Examiner in Casualty and Mortuary Affairs at the Human Resource Command of the Army. Now I realize that probably sounds really depressing. It isn't. Haha. Like I said, I have no contact with the families so I'm really just a paper pusher. I examine the funeral claims that have been submitted to make sure all the paperwork is in order and that families are not getting ripped off by funeral homes (or by the government for that matter). The one satisfaction I get is that families are truly benefiting from me examining and processing these claims because it means they do not have to pay for the funeral expenses of burying their loved ones. That makes me happy enough to do my job. But that is all of what I do: I examine, process and file. I have even been given the Master Excel spreadsheet to maintain. Thrilling stuff, I know...they must really trust me. ;) Oooo, but I do have like 3 badges and 500 passwords and 10 different e-mail addresses. Working for the government is fun fun fun!

All kidding aside, I am thanking God for the provision of this job and for all the ways He has orchestrated things to benefit me. I think there are so many things in my life right now that God wants me to be emotionally free to engage in and process and this job is His way of making sure I DO engage. I am so thankful that He arranges for my spiritual success as well as my financial and professional success. I am thankful that I can no longer deny His faithfulness.

He is being so good to me and it freaks me out a little bit...but that, my friends, is for another post...

Wake Up O' Sleeper...

I'm back.

Back to writing my blog...back in the country from my mission's trip to Brazil...but most importantly, getting back to my heart which I left somewhere in 2007...

Brazil was one of the best experiences of my life but not for the reasons I thought going into it. God used and continues to use the entire experience to reawaken my heart, my soul, the truest part of myself. I left Brazil with a lot of heartache and returned to the US not knowing where it was all coming from. Granted, I missed the people I had met in Assis and was torn at leaving such a warm and loving community but there was something inexplicable in how much I was hurting as I came home... Wednesday night after we got back I broke down in my best friend's car and realized with shock that GOD is the answer behind the riddle; He has been tearing at my heart since before I even left Brazil and has not let up. In one gloriously sorrowful moment on Wednesday night I knew that God was finished with what I have been doing to shroud my soul in apathy. He has had enough. No more hiding. He wants my heart back.

I don't know how to explain this. Looking for a job has been my primary (and sometimes only) focus for over an entire year. Now that I've started a new job it's like God is lifting the blinders from my eyes: I have been using my job search as a hiding place for my heart. And now that the search is over there's nothing left to hide behind. I have been so focused on getting this one thing (a job) that I did not have the time or the energy to think about anything else...like the fact that I do still want to get married and find companionship in a man; or the fact that I thrive when I get to walk alongside people in their most painful and confusing moments. Finding a job took priority over living from my heart. No, it took the place of living from my heart. But a week before I left for Brazil God provided me with a job. And I think I see why. He wanted my heart to be ousted from it's hiding place, vulnerably carefree so that (as Bindu says) I would have nowhere to run. No job search to hide behind, no situational worries to numb myself with.

I was so very satisfied at the end of each day I spent in Brazil and I literally started to feel like my heart was thawing out; I was overwhelmed with how much I loved and enjoyed my teammates when, by all accounts, I should have been sick of being with them! I was happily exhausted at bedtime and was without complaint (by the grace of God) when I had to get up after too few hours of sleep. I wore no make-up during the day, got filthy with paint and sod and sweat and wore the same shorts and t-shirts for 6 days. And I was so unbelievably content in all of it.

These thoughts are so disjointed but my point is this: God provided me with a job before I left for Brazil in order to show me that I had willingly (and foolishly) put my heart to sleep and hidden it so that nothing terrible could happen to it. I would never have to ask God to fix anything if nothing was ever broken; there would be no need for healing if I wrapped myself up so tight that nobody could get close enough to wound me; disappointment would not enter if hope was always shut out. However, God used everything and everyone in Brazil to show me that putting my heart to sleep and hiding it guaranteed nothing wonderful could happen to it either. And it was on Wednesday night that this beautiful and frightening revelation occurred to me, sending me into a tailspin of shock. Me, the girl who loved loved loved The Allure of Hope had not only forgotten how to hope but had chosen apathy and deadness instead.

So friends, that is where I stand. I feel the following Scripture in a very real way.

Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence. Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth."
Hosea 6:1-3

I anticipate a blog on these verses very soon. Thank you for caring enough to read these disjointed thoughts and letting me process "outloud". Praise God for the injuries He's giving me, for the walls He's tearing down!

I'll be back. :)

At the Proper Time

I wrote the following on Tuesday, July 8. [It has been 2 months since I have had any work and 3 weeks since I have spent any quality time with the Lord or in His word. It has also been a mere 9 hours since God has moved on my behalf, proving His faithfulness and concern for my finances and sanity: the temp agency called around 1 o’clock this afternoon with a 2 ½ week job only 15 minutes from my house starting tomorrow!

Praise Him for being faithful when I am consistently unfaithful to Him! Honestly, I just became exhausted with asking Him for help and waiting and waiting and not receiving what I needed and wanted…so I stopped asking and I started ignoring Him. This is one of my all-time favorite mechanisms to kill the hopeful yearning in my own heart. Proverbs 13:12 says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick” and I can absolutely testify to the truth of that statement.]

So, I am currently working at a small accounting firm 15 minutes down the road, learning the basics of QuickBooks and how to reconcile client’s accounts in that program. I also answer the phone from time to time throughout the day. Overall, my job is pretty boring. It has really affirmed my decision not to be a bookkeeper as my bosses at my previous temp assignment asked me if I would like to be hired and trained as their bookkeeper. I had to politely decline due to my serious aversion to a job dealing solely with numbers and rarely with people. I would honestly rather be a garbage man (with the utmost respect for those who are, in fact, bookkeepers). Anyway, I have an income for 2 ½ weeks which is very timely provision on God’s part as I did not have enough money for next month’s rent as of last Tuesday. Psalm 145:15 says,

“The eyes of all look to You, and You give them their food at the proper time.”

Apparently this is the proper time. Praise be to God for not leaving me hanging!

Twelve Thousand Horses

While walking the other day, I was thinking about greatness. I've been reading 1 Kings and Solomon is a rather major player and in God's own words, "there will never have been anyone like [him], nor will there ever be." I mean, if GOD says that about you then you must be pretty great. Solomon had more wisdom than anybody on the face of the planet and he had tons upon tons of material wealth. The man had twelve thousand horses. That is so not even important, but it gives us a picture of his greatness. And this was all God's blessing, mind you.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I have a point. But I was thinking about how great Solomon was, how famous and wealthy and wise and how nice it would be to have a horse (just kidding...though I would actually like a horse). Seriously though, in my quest for a job it is this overwhelming desire to do something GREAT with my life that keeps me searching. Never before have I so desperately wanted to matter. My heart legitimately longs to be engaged in a purposeful mission, in some GREAT and meaningful work. So naturally, it frustrates me to no end that I am still temping and (as far as I can see, which by my own admission is not all that far) no closer to a job I would actually enjoy.

It was at this point though, that I started to wonder about my need for greatness. I admit, I have some pretty grandiose dreams of what my life might be like: dreaming that I might spend years in Africa loving little ones and telling them all about the Father that won't ever leave them, dreams of becoming a famous Christian counselor/advocate/writer, dreams of owning a horse ranch in some gorgeous location and renting out my many guest homes to needy families in need of rest and recuperation...they all involve the King of Love and greatness. I don't think my dreams are bad or wrong to have but I'm realizing that I am forgetting the greatness of now and the greatness of doing battle with the everyday of my life.

If I am painfully honest with myself (and you who are reading this), I am waiting for God to call me to greatness. This is not wise or Biblical. Even Solomon's life did not follow this "wait for God's call to start living" path. He was practically thrust into his kingship at a young age, not to mention his father had just died, and the kid just had to make do. God did show up, though...and because Solomon asked for God's help in ruling His people righteously and fairly, God made him great.

I do not know if there is an applicable lesson, or even a straight-forward thought, that will come out of this but I like writing things out here. Also, please feel free to comment and let me know what you think. One thing I'm sure of...twelve thousand horses is pretty great.

My Brilliant Kristin

I am a terrible blogger and I apologize. I always want to be inspired when I write on here but let's be honest...I am not inspired on a constant basis. So, I will just tell you some random things so that you can procrastinate on whatever it is you're not doing for a few more minutes...

My sister (my brilliant Kristin) found this old computer game that we used to play CONSTANTLY when we were kids: Chip's Challenge. Did any of you ever play that game? It's awesome! There's this little guy (Chip) and each level brings him to a new (yes, challenge). So simple yet hours of fun!

Here it is if you'd like to take the Challenge.

http://www.takegame.com/arcade/htm/chipsc%20hallenge.htm. :)


On a completely unrelated note, I have been thinking about doing some things lately. Here is a list of them:

-Join Weight Watchers. I have heard great things about this program but have not gotten my lazy butt to a meeting yet.

-Buy/test out (for 30 days) a Fluidity Bar. It's this exercise thing that helps you sculpt a dancer's body without being a dancer. Fancy.

-Learn American Sign Language. This has been on my list of things to do for over a year.

-Clean my room. This has been on my list of things to do my entire life.

-Get a real job! Ha, yeah.


I'm sorry you guys. This is what happens when I'm not inspired. Maybe next time I'll write a stream of consciousness blog...